I’ve tried wording this post in about maybe a hundred several ways and none of them so far have sufficed, so I’m just going to try and write and maybe the words will come to me a little easier.
There’s a knot in my throat, the kind that you get when you know you’re about to cry or throw up or both. Sometimes that knot blindsides you out of nowhere and you can be sitting in class or at home watching a movie or out shopping with your friends, and that knot just sits in your throat.
Why am I babbling on about this? Because I wanted to write a blog post, but I didn’t know what I wanted to write about. So I thought and I thought, and I decided I wanted to write about something really personal and important to me. I wanted to talk about my friend Slo.
Sometimes when you’re tired and sad, your mind wanders and it hits bad memories. About two years ago, a really close friend of mine passed and it was a really bad experience because it was the first time something like this had happen to me. I mean, I’ve lost friends in the past due to losing interest and losing touch, but this was something completely different.
I had met Slo online through some friends, we were part of this really big, tight knit group of friends, we all were really close and even though we didn’t talk constantly, we all knew each other was there for each other. I think that’s what I like most about having friends online, they don’t get to see you and your public persona, I just… feel like I can really be myself around them instead of that person I am around other people, if that makes sense. Some of my best friends are friends I’ve met online and honestly they’re the brightest stars in my solar system.
Slo was one of them. Maybe not my sun, or my north star, but definitely something important, maybe like mars, because even though he wasn’t the brightest or stood out the most, but he was always there, and I could tell too because he glowed instead of twinkled.
I’m not going to lie, Slo wasn’t the best influence in the world, nor was he the best person by modern standards (he didn’t really have his life in order), but we all loved him anyways.
But one day he was gone. We got information from those select few who knew him online and offline, that Slo had gotten into a really bad car accident and passed. He fell asleep at the wheel and collided with another car and flew out through the windshield apparently.
I remember reading the message like it was yesterday, at first i couldn’t believe what I was reading, I thought maybe it was some sick joke, but… deep down I guess I knew…
I remember going to school the next day and crying, crying a lot. I got excused from most of my class activities that day, my head just wasn’t there and my teachers knew it. I guess I got comfort from my friends, but… it still was really difficult.
I comforted myself in looking through his accounts, passing time by reading the dumb comments he made and admiring his beautiful art, but one day all his accounts were taken down. It was what he wanted, he wanted all his accounts to be deleted and gone and, sadly, there aren’t really many traces of him left.
Those first few weeks after he left us were the hardest. I just couldn’t get into anything… and everything was just really morbid between me and my friends. It was an elephant in the room kind of situation.
We lit lots of candles for him and wrote him goodbye cards. One of our friends, she said her candle’s flame was just really high and that just felt so nice because… it was like his spirit was still around. watching us or something.
Even though it’s been two years it still kicks me in the gut every time I realize he’s not around with us anymore, especially on his day.
There’s so much more I could say about the subject, just so many things have happened since he left.
There were fights, there were depressing days, there were conspiracy-like theories.
But maybe those stories are for another day, another Slo day. Because sometimes you just need to lay down and cry, cry for everything that’s unfair, and wrong, and sometimes you just miss your friends so much.
I miss you so much and we all miss you.
Rest in peace.